Christmas is a time of expectation; mirroring that of the wise men as they travelled hundreds of miles to meet with Jesus. It is also a time of new beginnings; because the birth of Jesus – whether literally or fictionally – brought everlasting change to the world, and impacts our lives to this day.

Oh, it’s the most wonderful time of the year.

As we “dream of  a white christmas”, “deck the halls” and erupt into random outbursts of “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer” …

… it is easy to forget the Christmas period also possesses the highest suicide rate.

Those who remind us of it … are labelled as the “Grinch” – as if to express negativity during the holidays makes one contract a disease, with symptoms including green skin, a ginormous height and an absence of Christmas spirit. Diagnosis is quarantine; exile from the family Christmas party and a name on the naughty list, because as the embodiment of the man in green they ruined the blissful attitude of the peace and new beginnings associated with Christmas.

So then why is it our unhappiness blooms into fruit now? Is it – as experts argue – the constant bombardment of photos of Christmas parties on the internet, of picturesque families on the streets and people’s irrational holiday cheer?

For me personally … no.

For me it is the resurfacing of a boy I try my hardest to forget.

A boy I once called my best friend, my hero, my salvation; an otherworldly person who saved me from someone. But he could not save me from myself, nor he from himself. At perhaps the core of my troubles he lies; my feelings for him forced to the back of my mind and brought out only during my blackest days.

I miss him, but I cannot forgive him and I know he will never ask for forgiveness.

Yes as Christmas has approached his name is mentioned in increasing frequency. Friends we once shared tell me as acquaintances of his wonderful Christmas party, of the gifts he gave them and what he is doing with his life now. It is this that personally destroys any semblance of Christmas cheer in my heart; marring the smile on my face with insincerity and the happiness expressed in my words with falsehood.

I love him. But he will never know.

And I will never forget.

 So to edit a beautiful song written by two wonderful men, and tarnish their glorious holiday message … for me Christmas is the ‘least wonderful time of the year’. I would love to lie and say I adore Christmas – as I am sure would be preferred – but this blog is my only platform for freedom of expression, and thus I chose to write the truth.

However Christmas is associated with New Beginnings, and it signals the renewal of the Church Year. I hope this year I may too experience a new beginning. That is “all I want for Christmas”.